Saturday, August 22, 2009.

ironic, isn't it, this is my 300th post.

on the way back, after today, i felt my eyes water once again.

hurt and shattered, maybe?

it's something i never really understood. if someone wants to join who he considers as his close friends on a short part of their journey back home, i don't see why he should be stopped. yes, fine, they don't want him to waste time, they are concerned.

if they think, to him, it's a waste of time to join them and be in good company, that spending time with friends is a waste of time, fine.

i don't see why i should be stopped. i know they care, i very well know, but this feels like rejection. yeah fine we don't want you going into the train with us, go home, good riddance, bye bye. if you don't like me going with you on the trip for just ONE stop, tell me. i'll never do that again since you can't stand me so much.

sorry. sorry i had to write this.

it was on my mind the past few days; i feel myself so lonely, so alone within this group. even for myself i felt it today - i didn't purposely isolate myself, yet i felt more alone than ever.

and when i want to talk, to speak what's in my mind freely, i usually get a cold response - then, what is the point of talking then! yeah i may be very weird, i may like things everyone else doesn't, and in the end, you aren't interested in what i have to say. yeah so no one talks to me then, because even if i show myself as being interested in what others like, no one will want to stand up and say I WILL LISTEN TO YOU EVEN IF I DON'T LIKE IT. a few lines, cruel painful lines of dismissal, and yes i learnt to shut up.

apparently talking hurts more than shutting up here. if my presence annoys you, makes you want to get rid of me and disappear, tell me. i'd be glad to do so.

because even if i am not happy, i'd rather make you guys happy. i do things for a reason - i want to be there for everyone, i want to show that i am more than happy to give my side of the friendship.

but today just proved me wrong. by not wanting me to wait for you guys and talk to you all, do you not know the hurt you guys gave me? cause i enjoy your company, i want to be there listening to you all, talking, and above marks, grades and dunnowhatshit, i value friendship the most, so much so that everything else (even time) doesn't matter.

unless, unless, you guys don't feel anything whether i am present or absent. because there are people out there, nice wonderful people, who actually tell me they APPRECIATE me for waiting and being there, instead of not realizing that i feel HAPPY and don't mind spending time with my friends.

i feel so hurt. you all don't understand me enough, do you.

Labels: friends

{ 5:43 PM }

Thursday, August 20, 2009.

inexplicable bout of sadness hit me today; was staring out at open space during pseudo-break today and thinking of so many things.

sometimes you just want to hold it all together, and when you're left alone, it breaks, shatters. and to know that maybe it isn't really like that, it comforts. though i don't see it.

anyway - spem in alium, thomas tallis.

Labels: friends, Life, Music

{ 8:50 PM }

Wednesday, August 19, 2009.

come back, come back.

i'm sorry for everything, if i did something wrong.

but come back please.

am i left out, chucked out from everyone?

and when i see you and that enthusiasm i give isn't returned, i don't know why.

3 people on a ship. 2 people talk to one another, what happens to the last guy?

Labels: friends, Life

{ 10:56 PM }

Tuesday, August 4, 2009.

i believe in miracles.

they do come true, even if you think they don't.

thanks so much for today, thank you all. especially all of you who offered your ear.

and you, when you walked down the stairs, i knew a miracle came true. thank you!



and anyway, hear this! liszt's un sospiro, 3rd of 3 concert etudes:

Labels: friends, Life, Music

{ 10:13 PM }

Wednesday, July 8, 2009.

a couple of stuff just joined forces and caused me to feel down.

not surprisingly, i'm not down cause of myself.

Labels: friends, Life

{ 9:36 PM }

Friday, June 12, 2009.

LESSON LEARNT:

do NOT EVER rush into a buffet with 35 minutes to spare. you'll walk out pregnant, seriously.

(or was it just me.)

but but it was overdue though! nice time there =D

Labels: friends, Life

{ 10:55 PM }

Monday, June 1, 2009.

life is really so scary and cruel.

In just about 1 months' time, after Presentation (of which I'm eternally grateful for), they'll be gone. Literally, gone. Imagine, there may be a high chance I'll never see most of them for the next year or so, and I may not even see some of them throughout my entire life.

Our lives may not cross; pathways may not intersect.

And what do we have left with us? All just memories, fragments of what was in the PAST, gone, irretrievable and lost forever. People, so worthy of being friends, where will they be?

Will I recognise fellow Chamber mates in the year to come? If I see someone on the MRT in 2 years' time, can I still be able to know that we were once CCA mates, playing on stage in that hall, getting Gold with Honours together?

It's not easy at all, leaving and parting, knowing that in many cases everything's all but lost. Maybe a handful of friendships, but how long will it take before some of these friendships vanish? How long before they become acquaintances? How long before we stop communicating? How long before a friend becomes a stranger?

Friends become acquaintances, acquaintances become strangers.

As our life journey diverges, we break up, slowly but steadily, unless we put in A LOT of effort.

JC is painful; so much we lose! 12 years' worth of friendships, 12 years' worth of experiences, 12 years' worth of joy. Do we just let it die off so easily? Do we just let something special die and fade off, flickering away? Do we just let it be but an experience?

NO. I cannot accept that.

I'm scared! There's this very nice comfort zone, of friendships and bonds that were painstakingly built up from scratch, and there it is, ever-present in school. And once it comes, where will we be? Thrown into a completely new environment, without many familiar faces.

And now how?

I'm scared. It means so much, all of you guys. I cannot lose it.

Time is cruel.

Labels: CCA, friends, Life

{ 11:51 PM }

Friday, May 29, 2009.

what SINGLE word would you use to describe the term?

say, t3 2008 would be MUG i think, especially the crazy wk 9 - 10 period. t1 2009 would be "explorations" i'd say, for all the journeys around singapore before JIP, all the og fun and exploring the class.

i'd say, t2 2009 would be termed "friendships".

truly, for me, it was all about them. making new ones, strengthening old ones, even forsaking older ones... all of these happened, on a regular basis even.

because of that, i'd say it was really a roller-coaster experience, these 10 grueling weeks. so many problems, back-to-back, hurting us like crazy.

but i've done so much this term really, so much so that even if it may have been overwhelmingly painful to the extent that i had to see a doc, i won't mind doing it all again.

comforting people,

sharing my own problems,

hearing other's own problems,

even fighting with each other (and coming to a nice resolution),

letting people down,

supporting people when they need it most,

having face-to-face wars yet resolving them amicably...

i'm honestly glad everything happened.

i'm sorry for the unpleasant ones. at times i gave people shit, at times i completely became very dao, uncaring and hurtful, and for that i'd like to sincerely apologise. sometimes i fear im not worthy of people (note the posts below this), and i do feel bad at times.

but i'm just glad, exceedingly glad, for people who accept my flaws and continue being there for me. no matter how busy they are, how horrible they might feel, they're really willing to be there for everything, all my problems i have.

so many things have happened in the last 10 weeks, and indeed the people i need to thank already know who they are, but anyway, thanks still for being there for at least these 10 weeks, for me as a friend.

<3

Labels: friends

{ 11:33 PM }

Thursday, May 28, 2009.

sorry.

Labels: friends

{ 11:02 PM }

Thursday, May 21, 2009.

and yes they're officially gone. in t3w2 when we step back into that same old room, that room that people like me have called home 5 years back, we will be alone.

no one will be up there, older than us, and we will be THE batch.

it's hard to part sometimes; i miss the v1s already. but it's natural; parting is very much just the opposite of getting together - it's an action - reaction pair.

i still remember what our RIEL instructor said to us about them and the students; something about attempting to not be so close to them because it's painful for them and the students to part after just 2 days.

maybe this whole process of detachment - leaving oneself out so that when it's time to part it hurts less - may make sense at times. it's something i've been experimenting with to a certain degree, that of not being too close to certain groups so that when it's time to part it doesn't hurt as much.

although some groups of people are too valuable, too precious to merely be acquaintances. those people are the ones i regularly talk to, the people i can confide in and the people i lend my ear to. basically, not the people whom you detach yourself from.

there's a special name for them - friends.

"A friend is someone you can be alone with and have nothing to do and not be able to think of anything to say and comfortable in the silence." Sheryl Condie

Labels: friends

{ 9:06 PM }

Tuesday, May 12, 2009.

i swear physics has officially become my NO1 FAVOURITE LECTURE.

omg how cool it was! all 7 of us (sorry jieliang ><) sat together for the 1st time ever!

ahh lovely i swear.

(i swear my posts are schizo. really.)

Labels: friends, Life

{ 9:16 PM }

Monday, May 4, 2009.

eternally ashamed of myself; me, the stinking hypocrite.

sorry.

Labels: friends

{ 8:23 PM }

Friday, April 17, 2009.

class camp over, and honestly I felt class camp was GREAT and FANTABULOUS. really, stuff like chek jawa and "cross the line" were quite unforgettable and random retarded stuff like groundsheet-running and "pepsi-cola" really made our day.

but something struck me the most after this whole class camp.

i realised i really wanted to remain as a small boy forever.

yes it may sound retarded but i really felt so.

as the instructor said, the world today lacks that human touch. everything, thanks to technology, has become so impersonal. people care only for grades, not about friends. people only care about pleasing their boss and rising ranks, not about making friends with everyone.

when i was a small boy i was stress-free. I didn't have to worry at all about grades. I remember only making friends with people, not worrying about their character because everyone was pure at heart.

I can't say so now. In the adult world, people backstab. people scheme behind others' back. the world is full of distrust. friendships are so superficial! how many of them are real? how many of them are true and genuine?

i really don't dare to step out of my childhood. i don't want to be exposed to people whom i cannot trust. i don't want some 1984-airstrip-one thing where no one trusts each other!

i want a world where everyone is innocent, pure and nice, where people actually trust each other. i want these friendships.

i don't want to grow up.

another thing that really struck our minds as we talked about it yesterday in the middle of the night was life after jc. jc feels so short. it's only what, 18 months left?

and after that we separate.

girls go to uni. guys to NS, scholars to uni.

and that's it. most of the people we know disappear from our lives forever. we won't ever be back together, properly. nothing can unite us back.

and i don't want that to happen! throughout the years (even this year), i've made a lot of friends. some really really really good ones in fact. and why why would it be good if we just let the friendship die off? i cannot bear for that to happen!

and that's why i really want to be a small boy forever.

Labels: friends, Life

{ 7:24 PM }

Sunday, April 5, 2009.

ahhh back from a whole load of stuff. quite fun i must say.

syf's feeling really scary now. it's what, close to 3 weeks away? i'm not exactly a stellar player amongst the 1sts, so i really need to buck up. but then again it's the same problem i always had ever since sec 2 onwards - my tone quality sucks. guess i need a lot of slow practice.

it's better to panic now than panic later on, just before syf. so i guess we all need to focus more during sectionals and rehearsals.

we can do it, it's just whether we want it badly or not.

ahh anyway FOSL was next, and it was rather interesting to listen to others as well. now that i'm done with FOSL i might want to initiate a good CIP - i really feel like taking ownership of a project i want to do badly.

ANYWAY DIGRESSION - circle line open house! ok lah i'm mad to want to see a freaking MRT station, but well it was FUN. as in really fun cause we got to see the interior of Bishan MRT (as in the Circle Line part). jie liang actually found it decently cool (and I was hyperventilating lol.)

then went for maffsoc camp, which had more non-maff games than maff ones. not that i mind, seeing as i am sucky in ivan-style maff. mad stuff such as arm-wrestling, identifying pictures of people (WHY DO I SUCK AT BOTH. gosh.), and especially the crazy midnight exploration of the school.

fun, but tiring. now i should really start PW now. urgh PW's a chore.

Labels: friends, Life

{ 4:21 PM }

Saturday, March 28, 2009.

sometimes one is really blind to one's own abilities.

it is quite surprising for myself, to realise i'm actually not too sucky at talking to others (as in, not the everyone-in-a-group-and-we-chit-chat-very-noisily type, but the heart-to-heart type.)

maybe that's why I'm an ENFJ (draws attention to F).

but yes i guess i should still say this.

thanks to all of you, my friends, for everything.

Labels: friends, Life

{ 8:01 PM }

Thursday, March 5, 2009.

it feels horrible.

everything's crumbling down. that fragile column which was painstakingly built by all of us, it's giving way.

can we stop it?

i don't want to lose everything.

Labels: friends

{ 10:52 PM }

Monday, February 23, 2009.

it takes 2 hands to clap.

every action, even if done unknowingly, has a reaction.

empty words. so much for the proclamations.

please. will you?

Labels: friends, Life

{ 11:22 PM }

Friday, February 13, 2009.

after awaking today i tried to kick myself up and out of bed.

as i did so i felt a searing pain through my right leg.

i just lay down, quite badly (partially-) paralyzed.

that explains why i came to school 10 minutes later than usual, and didn't walk as fast as per my norm today.

it's ok now, but it reminded me of something very scary, very very scary i had last year.

i dunno, but i think it was late april/early may last year. it was actually quite a minor thing, a ear infection (i think caused by a mosquito bite?!).

but that gave me 5 days of hell.

that morning i sensed something amiss. i woke up hearing a ringing tone (i believe it's a quite flat E natural) in my right ear, which refused to go away despite all i could do (i thought it was pressure, i thought it was water etc. and tried really every method i knew of then.)

then on the mrt i got a very very rude shock. i plugged my earphones into my ear and listened to something. whenever an A was played my ear would hurt and i would hear an A flat instead in my right ear.

anyway i guess there's no point describing in full detail what i suffered, especially how i had to adapt for the sake of even being able to listen to the teacher.

that rude shock reminded me about how I took everything for granted, especially my 2 ears.

anyway school has been (slack but) fun. what with going out with chamber people, hanging with OGs and playing STUPID GAMES like "how many moo moos jumped over the wall" and the MRT game (OHHH I HATED THAT LIKE I TOOK 40 MINUTES TO FIGURE IT OUT.), class bonding and piano-playing/fooling around with the violin/piano etc.

yup jc life's fun!

Labels: class, friends, Life, OG

{ 8:04 PM }

Thursday, February 5, 2009.

i know it's just wrong to do an emo post now but this, after all, is a web-log(aka web diary), and i AM entitled to my opinions provided it doesn't get me into trouble.

yeah i guess it's something everyone has to go through.

it hurts leaving people.

a number of my blog posts these few months revolved around my (soon-to-be) former class. it is agony, agony indeed to think about how the past will never be the present.

and i guess it will happen soon.

o'tiero (I STILL SUSPECT IT ISN'T SPANISH.) has been really great, but the fear in everyone is what happens AFTER that. whether our og will stand together and be great friends despite the passing of time or disintegrate and be a small fragment of our life, never to be together and all forgotten, we will see.

i don't wish for the latter. i want to meet my og and talk to them, chit-chat and go for outings often. i want to have parties with them. i don't want orientation to just be about assimilating into merely the school compound, but also mixing with people and forging everlasting bonds.

but ever so often the latter occurs. it's only a matter of time when another group of people come into your life. classmates, ccamates, juniors and seniors, soon-to-be ns platoonmates...inevitably you'll have to face the same situation again and over again.

that's why i changed my msn nick and pm.

in the end you can't be best friends with everyone you ever met in this world. no one will have that much time. so some will stay while some will go. former best friends will become nothing but acquaintances, which happens ever so often.

so anticipate it. know when you're going to part, for then if you know that it won't last long you can make preparations for it.

it's just like how morrie described dying in "Tuesdays with Morrie". he prepared mock funerals for himself, not celebrating death, but life itself. he taught himself to accept death and not shudder at the sight of it, even when confronted with Lou Gehrig's disease.

most importantly, he made use of every single second he had left wisely.

that's just exactly what we should do. inevitably groups of friends will break up into oblivion, but before you know that the break-up will occur why not do your best? make use of every single second you have left before the bonds start loosening.

and that's why i'll promise i'll go crazy with my og tomorrow.

Labels: friends, Life

{ 10:31 PM }

Tuesday, January 13, 2009.

oh my gosh we conquered the 42km Eastern Coastal Park Connector Network today! =D =D

yeah after the previous cycling trip (2 Jan), we all decided that another one sounded good. So my mind wandered, and knowing myself, it wandered to the most epic and grand-scale thing one can ever do at East Coast Park - the whole Eastern Coastal Park Connector Network (ECPCN)!

well to be honest that didn't feel all that challenging then, since we did 20km in 2 hrs on 2 Jan.

furthermore, I ever did the Siglap part and knew practically the whole route (usually because I go around the East part of Singapore a lot more).

so it felt short.

THEN AGAIN, i have a very bad habit of grossly underestimating distance (remember my "stone's throw"?).

So it was really very very long.

Yes and there were many many weird moments:
1) The infamous overhead bridge across Bedok North Road (which left everyone swearing after that (and it was just 40 minutes into the whole thing!))
2) Gravel on Bedok Reservoir which taught everyone the importance of changing gear
3) Jiggy's pillar-holding/pillar-swaying right outside Tampines
4) Chain Screw-up Part 1 (KC banging onto pillar at Tampines)
5) Jerald's camera thingy (lost near the place in (4))
6) RAIN (part1) and cycling through the middle of Pasir Ris HDB estate
7) Jiggy's button-pressing (or lack thereof) at a junction crossing
8) Jun Sheng's hunger whines at the super-windy-and-damn-high-tide Pasir Ris Park
9) KC's up-slope lag near Downtown East
10) RAIN (part2) and epic chionging-thru in Loyang
11) Chain Screw-up Part 2 (Kenneth trying to go fast) near (10)
12) Jiggy getting stuck around Changi Village after taking the wrong turn around a tree o.0
13) Me walking into Changi Village Food Court with a bike
14) Nice TALL waves at Changi Beach Park
15) THE TREES AT CHANGI BEACH PARK ARE SOOO <3!
16) Epic 6+km straight road along Changi Airport!
17) Chain Screw-up Part 3 + RAIN (part3) just before the bend.
18) Everyone getting owned by the rain.
19) Jerald's tyre screwup at East Coast Park.

everyone was tired lah, but it was FUN. as in not that we intend to go another time till our minds turn bad, but it was a rather new experience.

Jaycycling anyone?

Labels: friends

{ 7:35 PM }