Friday, May 29, 2009.

what SINGLE word would you use to describe the term?

say, t3 2008 would be MUG i think, especially the crazy wk 9 - 10 period. t1 2009 would be "explorations" i'd say, for all the journeys around singapore before JIP, all the og fun and exploring the class.

i'd say, t2 2009 would be termed "friendships".

truly, for me, it was all about them. making new ones, strengthening old ones, even forsaking older ones... all of these happened, on a regular basis even.

because of that, i'd say it was really a roller-coaster experience, these 10 grueling weeks. so many problems, back-to-back, hurting us like crazy.

but i've done so much this term really, so much so that even if it may have been overwhelmingly painful to the extent that i had to see a doc, i won't mind doing it all again.

comforting people,

sharing my own problems,

hearing other's own problems,

even fighting with each other (and coming to a nice resolution),

letting people down,

supporting people when they need it most,

having face-to-face wars yet resolving them amicably...

i'm honestly glad everything happened.

i'm sorry for the unpleasant ones. at times i gave people shit, at times i completely became very dao, uncaring and hurtful, and for that i'd like to sincerely apologise. sometimes i fear im not worthy of people (note the posts below this), and i do feel bad at times.

but i'm just glad, exceedingly glad, for people who accept my flaws and continue being there for me. no matter how busy they are, how horrible they might feel, they're really willing to be there for everything, all my problems i have.

so many things have happened in the last 10 weeks, and indeed the people i need to thank already know who they are, but anyway, thanks still for being there for at least these 10 weeks, for me as a friend.

<3

Labels: friends

{ 11:33 PM }

Thursday, May 28, 2009.

sorry.

Labels: friends

{ 11:02 PM }

it's hard to keep things a secret from everyone, hiding your thoughts and emotions behind a veil of happiness and liveliness, when it is so tiring to do so.

am i very lousy?

am i made up of any substance at all?

have i deluded myself this past 16 years?

sometimes, just when you are at the peak of your confidence, something comes. it shatters you badly. and as you pick up the pieces scattered on the floor, desperately mending them back together as a whole, something else comes.

the seeds of self-doubt were sown a long time ago.

and now it's hard to pick myself up again.

what worth am i? am i just over-rated? just a pile of crap, scraping through school through sheer luck and nothing else?

why am i in their league? why are the people i talk to them? can i claim myself to be one of them?

am i good enough?

sadly, no.

and i cannot say my confidence has not been shattered. the thing, the sole thing that powers me along. stop it and i'm no longer there!

i doubt myself now. and it'll take time.

Labels: Life

{ 9:53 PM }

Tuesday, May 26, 2009.

when you're down, nearly the whole world seems to want to go against you. that traffic light that turned red just when you walked to it, that stray ant that accidentally crawled on your fingers, that leaf that dropped on your head, all of them must have hated you in some way or another, you think.

Labels: Life

{ 4:08 PM }

Monday, May 25, 2009.

life gets tiring at times. sometimes, that bucketful of steam just evaporates, and there you go. no steam. collapse, flop.

and that's where sometimes the world becomes evil and menacing.

when that happens everything in the world seems to be your enemy. even the bloody traffic light that turned red just as you walked towards it.

and then you curse, swear and lament about your life being massively screwed up.

that's when you crash, all hope lost.

NOT.

when you crash there's still one avenue left to turn to.

hope.

hope and belief give you more strength. the strength to stand up after each fall, the strength to go through another day, the strength to shake everything off.

just believe and hope, for they are your guardians.

Labels: Life

{ 9:35 PM }

Sunday, May 24, 2009.

it's sad, really.

deepest condolences to south korea and family of president roh.

but this just shows so many sides of the world today! the world is cruel and evil i guess.

notice how AFTER he committed suicide people started weeping for him. so he died, feeling ashamed and completely remorseful, not knowing that there were some people who actually appreciated his term in service and regarded him with respect.

no one would ever want to die like that.

it's like how an artist's works rise in value after he/she dies. about how a composer's works never get played till he passes on. mr roh did not get appreciated during his tenure and after. only when he died then people saw the value in him.

or maybe guilt perhaps?

it's like that. life is cruel. we only learn to appreciate WHEN it's all over.

and cruelly, by then, it's often too late.

so i guess, like what that guy who came in for the "sex ed" thing (which was about "sex ed" in name and nothing else) said, appreciate people while they're still there.

i guess it's not in our nature, but it does make a WHOLE LOAD of sense! why later, when "later" might be too late already? show your appreciation to someone before it's too late.

Labels: Life

{ 10:15 PM }

Thursday, May 21, 2009.

and yes they're officially gone. in t3w2 when we step back into that same old room, that room that people like me have called home 5 years back, we will be alone.

no one will be up there, older than us, and we will be THE batch.

it's hard to part sometimes; i miss the v1s already. but it's natural; parting is very much just the opposite of getting together - it's an action - reaction pair.

i still remember what our RIEL instructor said to us about them and the students; something about attempting to not be so close to them because it's painful for them and the students to part after just 2 days.

maybe this whole process of detachment - leaving oneself out so that when it's time to part it hurts less - may make sense at times. it's something i've been experimenting with to a certain degree, that of not being too close to certain groups so that when it's time to part it doesn't hurt as much.

although some groups of people are too valuable, too precious to merely be acquaintances. those people are the ones i regularly talk to, the people i can confide in and the people i lend my ear to. basically, not the people whom you detach yourself from.

there's a special name for them - friends.

"A friend is someone you can be alone with and have nothing to do and not be able to think of anything to say and comfortable in the silence." Sheryl Condie

Labels: friends

{ 9:06 PM }

Saturday, May 16, 2009.

this week has been generally kind to me indeed; i dare not say happiest week of this year, but certainly up there.

certainly something that lifted my spirits a lot - thurs' concert. dismal as it may have been (expected, given the time - not as if we could beat that really), the last piece was FANTASTIC, and we went off knowing that $5 was well-spent on one 5-min piece.

but it was beautiful! sibelius sure can write well!



Sibelius' Andante Festivo

Labels: Life, Music

{ 11:46 AM }

Tuesday, May 12, 2009.

i swear physics has officially become my NO1 FAVOURITE LECTURE.

omg how cool it was! all 7 of us (sorry jieliang ><) sat together for the 1st time ever!

ahh lovely i swear.

(i swear my posts are schizo. really.)

Labels: friends, Life

{ 9:16 PM }

Monday, May 11, 2009.

hmmm JAPANESE PEOPLE SURE COME UP WITH DAMN GOOD STUFF.

like CALPIS WATER.

ahh this is a filler post lah more or less, to assure people i am alive, kicking, and happy =D

BUT REALLY CALPIS WATER OWNS.

Labels: Life

{ 9:06 PM }

Friday, May 8, 2009.

i feel pain again.

this time it's altogether more surprising - it isn't emotional pain.

it's physical. and it is very worrying for me.

chest pain, which bloody persists for eternity. every breath i take it hurts. every step i walk squeezes my chest.

darn bloody wonderful. imagine something 24/7 squeezing at your heart, and worst of all, when you feel mentally happy too.



thanks for the concern though. it's fabulous friends like these that really alleviate some of the pain (whether physical or emotional). <3 you all always!

Labels: Life

{ 8:50 PM }

Thursday, May 7, 2009.

why is it that i keep on disappointing people.

am i ever worthy of anything at all.

{ 9:41 PM }

Monday, May 4, 2009.

eternally ashamed of myself; me, the stinking hypocrite.

sorry.

Labels: friends

{ 8:23 PM }

Sunday, May 3, 2009.

time; driving us on relentlessly
there is no "stop", no pause, just a cruel GO.
sometimes, dreams are but what they are - reality stares.
screams from within - irrelevant, no one's gonna listen.

amazingly not burnt out yet tired. retreat; music, a damn good solace.
stop and think about the world! that time - cherish it.

change in writing style unlikely to last, though i quite like this.
essence of simplicity - beauty in minimalism. condensing to nothing is an art indeed; do hold on TIGHT to every word, wring every last drop of meaning from it.

comments please.

Labels: Life

{ 3:50 PM }