Saturday, January 16, 2010.

this year onwards will be grueling, i realised.

one week into school, and i feel the horror of a lot of unfulfilled dreams. the burden of so many things that i need to do, and how to manage them.

indeed, the path out to freedom is filled with tons of booby traps that look like accelerating portals towards the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, but in reality merely set you back a few days, a few hours.

they call it a necessary evil though.

anyway, enough rambling.

some stuff that actually went through my not-as-astute mind (lack of usage mah, old and rusty and cranky alr) these few days:

we see the j1s, cute and cuddly and TALL (sigh), coming in just as we did last year. no no no this is not some emo shit rant about how i've grown up and all (though i could easily do that), but yeah it's about the j1s.

how do you spot the difference between a j1 and a j2! (besides uniform lah)

ans: see how fast they walk. j1s don't exactly walk very fast cos they 1 - don't exactly need to, 2 - aren't stressed enough yet, 3 - don't know the place well enough.

yes and in the span of one year, we see a similar cycle repeating. of people asking others where the mini-lts are (not that i do know where they are - are they in block d?), of queueing up at the bookshop for badges, of wandering around the school in frustration at not being able to find a toilet.

indeed, it's the whole same process of exploration and integration. even if the place they integrate into may be slightly different each time (when we came in the lifts weren't blocked off on levels 1M - 4), it's the whole process of adaptation into a new life that is at once foreign and familiar to us.

we emphatize with them; i was certain i had no idea where the entrances of each lt were.

we disagree with them; the positioning of each lt is actually rather straightforward and standard.

and as we grow up (with our juniors, just as our seniors did with us), the whole cycle repeats itself. it's actually interesting viewing your own development from a whole new perspective; now our juniors are a proxy for us one year ago, while our seniors one year ago are a proxy for us now.

actually, that wasn't the point. the point is this - how about the people who don't grow up?

to think about it, to these time-immune people, how does each batch differ from the rest? all of us exhibit the same traits - the same "where is the toilet?" questions, the same "can we not do tutorials?" attitudes, the same -westartponninglecturesastheyeargoesby- behaviour.

we are all intrinsically human, and identical after all.

so some food for thought - is there really something that makes a batch stand out?

anyway. i like this song! it's very very old, but then again i'm quite a late bloomer.

ohhh and and i take back my words about how prokofiev isn't genius enough. honestly, some melodies of his are pure genius. think sognando (op. 19), the soaring melody of the 1st mvt of op. 100, and a whole host of really inspired melodies that give him something else to boast about besides motor rhythms and dollops of sarcasm-laden music.

Labels: Life

{ 11:12 PM }

Friday, December 25, 2009.

sorry people, just came back from a trip to hong kong. though i did write a few essays over there when i had some time, and when i can extract them from my laptop i will. i am quite fond of some of the essays i wrote, so i shall be selective =D

apparently my last post was disastrous (i see people groaning hmm.) so i shall rectify that.

anyway, christmas was spent in a very gross fashion ill-befitting the day itself. basically, we had some spring cleaning at home - and spring cleanings don't usually go very nice especially when you have an insect infestation.

in this case, cockroaches decided to make themselves comfortable in one particularly nasty cabinet (nasty because it's not easy to clean).

being the only guy at home then, i was thus entrusted with the duty of getting rid of the problem. the problem however, was to figure out how to get rid of the problem. and the simplest method stared at me in the face - a bottle of roach spray.

and so i sprayed, literally gunning down each and every one of those monstrosities as if i was in charge of a firing squad.

my mum got a bit horrified at the way i took aim and fired - honestly, what ran through my brain then was just to fire and spray like nobody's business. she couldn't take it much longer, and said something which literally hit me hard on the head.

she commented, what i was doing was not much different from what the nazis did to all those jews - you make them breathe gas that kill them.

that was when i truly woke up and started thinking.

in this sense people can defend me and say that ultimately me killing roaches is completely different from hitler killing jews, because i'm killing pests while hitler killed people of his kind, his creed. and anyway, they were being nasty and coming out every night for dunnowhat, and given that my family would be really scared if they existed i wasn't doing the wrong thing anyway.

and surprisingly, i felt that way too.

who are we to take the lives of others, with a spray? my mum's analogy was in hindsight perfect - cockroaches are after all animals with a life, and what i did was exactly as she described it. it was systematic mass killing - you wage war on helpless creatures and basically overpower them.

that reminded me of a scene in ratatouille where the dad of the main rat told him about the horrors of Man against their species.

when i started clearing the corpses of those i killed, i realised the fundamental flaw in Man - that lower beings (or so they deem lower) are inherently overlooked and despised upon.

and for my own inability to discern that until my mum stepped in, i am ashamed of myself.

Labels: Life

{ 11:10 PM }

Monday, December 14, 2009.

sorry for dumping this blog for the past few weeks, and as i promised a post today.

yup actually right, the owner of said blog is going away for 5-day maternity leave after he decided to do something nasty and fly overseas (gosh naughty naughty). goodies from the land of skyscrapers, mtrs and yuen yang shall adorn this place as soon as my very sweet sister decides to stop being nasty to me and lend me her pics of hk.

speaking of said flight (damn i heard united airlines suck, howhow.), i'm probably going to get a jab for flu/h1n1, whichever is more prevalent in hk (yeah it's SO GOING TO BE H1N1). either way (i don't really care whatever jab gets into my body), it's a jab.

crap.

i mean, right, it's a jab, and, right, jabs are so eeeew, like, you know, eeeew! and you know right, jabs are so, urghhhh, and, you know right, jabs creep you out, like, you know, (pretends to shiver), yeah.

i know, that was kinda fail, but anyway you got my point (NOT THAT I'M SOME AMERICAN BLONDE, unless you're colour blind). then again, i have not much of an option, i'm probably going to be chucked into a doc's clinic soon (i.e. on thurs gosh my life is sad), and i'll get a horrible needle of doom chucked into my as-of-yet-flabby arms.

damn.

okay, it's probably the more feminine side of me acting up, but in all seriousness i don't exactly look forward to it. it's less of the pain than the thought of it, i know. just thinking of something can really make you feel scared and stuff, you know. why do you think you wake up in cold sweat after dreaming that you came in 1 hr late for your GP A levels?

okay i did dream of that before. gosh this sounds like some confessional.

haha but while i can i'll promise to revive and resuscitate this blog (since it was nearly dead until i gave it the jab of life haha jab you know? irony much -.-)

*please don't facepalm pleaseeeeeee don't run awayyyyy D:*

Labels: Life

{ 7:54 PM }

Sunday, November 15, 2009.

gosh i hate my tummy.

Labels: Life

{ 6:40 PM }

Monday, November 2, 2009.

sorry, i was supposed to post long ago, but expect no activity for some time.

in light of everything that has happened, it's time to reflect.

and where else to start, than the man in the mirror?

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard,
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere
To Go
That's Why I Want You To
Know

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change)
(Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah)

I've Been A Victim Of A Selfish
Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With No
Home, Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me,
Pretending That They're Not
Alone?

A Willow Deeply Scarred,
Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
(Washed-Out Dream)
They Follow The Pattern Of
The Wind, Ya' See
Cause They Got No Place
To Be
That's Why I'm Starting With
Me
(Starting With Me!)

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Ooh!)
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change His
Ways
(Change His Ways-Ooh!)
And No Message Could've
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .)
Change!

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror,
(Man In The Mirror-Oh
Yeah!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make The Change)
(You Gotta Get It Right, While
You Got The Time)
('Cause When You Close Your
Heart)
You Can't Close Your . . .Your
Mind!
(Then You Close Your . . .
Mind!)
That Man, That Man, That
Man, That Man
With That Man In The Mirror
(Man In The Mirror, Oh Yeah!)
That Man, That Man, That Man
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
You Know . . .That Man
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Oh Yeah!)
Gonna Feel Real Good Now!
Yeah Yeah! Yeah Yeah!
Yeah Yeah!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Ooooh . . .)
Oh No, No No . . .
I'm Gonna Make A Change
It's Gonna Feel Real Good!
Come On!
(Change . . .)
Just Lift Yourself
You Know
You've Got To Stop It.
Yourself!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
I've Got To Make That Change,
Today!
Hoo!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Got To
You Got To Not Let Yourself . . .
Brother . . .
Hoo!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
You Know-I've Got To Get
That Man, That Man . . .
(Man In The Mirror)
You've Got To
You've Got To Move! Come
On! Come On!
You Got To . . .
Stand Up! Stand Up!
Stand Up!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Stand Up And Lift
Yourself, Now!
(Man In The Mirror)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Aaow!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Gonna Make That Change . . .
Come On!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know . . .
(Change . . .)
Make That Change.

Labels: Life

{ 8:05 PM }

Sunday, October 11, 2009.

humans are such astute creatures.

got woken up today not by the traditional method, but the occasional voices i heard. guess it had to do with some stuff once again, but as much as it has gradually been the norm, i find myself uncomfortable once more.

but it's so true, once humans feel pain, they naturally get angry right? an avenue to translate pain into energy, negative energy that is, and that's so painful for others. i may have a test tomorrow, something i've dreamt of since time immemorial, but this can't leave my mind.

a man driven to desperation; what does he do? and then you feel that sense of pity, sadness at what fate does to humans sometimes - where's the love?

it's been 4 years, 4 long years since that debilitating disease struck. maybe it changed, but looking at him search even more crazily for a cure as compared to me searching for glenn gould's 1981 + 1955 goldberg variations recording, it's heartbreaking.

and yet again, moodswings never fail to make us pissed off, yet heartbroken - another supposed cure didn't conjure up the 'miracle' it was supposed to. hope rose, and accelerated down as soon as it rose.

and now, i want to wish that he'll be well. rid of his myriad of pain and illnesses, happy and cheerful as he usually is when some treatment works. before that treatment breaks his heart, just like all others have done.

come on, may your efforts be rewarded.

Labels: Life

{ 3:05 PM }

Thursday, October 1, 2009.

promos is just proms with an O. like, Ohhhhh oh my gosh i thought it was as cool as proms! *panics*

yeah gp was badddd.

"You can't hide again, Potter," Voldemort snarled. "Lord Voldemort knows, he always knows."

"Oh yeah? What makes you think so?" Harry retorted.

"SILENCE!" Voldemort screamed.

Voldemort and Harry circled each other, eyes only on each others' wands.

"You have lived too long, Potter."

"Avada-"

"CETERIS PARIBUS!" Harry roared.

Everything else remained constant. Just that, Harry's body lay sprawled on the ground.

Labels: Life

{ 7:46 PM }

Thursday, September 24, 2009.

okay wow so now my blog needs a change. will find a nicer skin after promos.

anyway, food for thought; what's our national language?

Labels: Life

{ 10:42 PM }

Thursday, September 17, 2009.

crawling up again, standing up once more.

knowing that you've done it before, can you ever be satisfied with mediocrity?

which is why it hurts. that maybe they were flukes but then again.

Labels: Life

{ 9:00 PM }

Thursday, September 10, 2009.

this effort sounds scant. like, i make an effort to blog once a week, but yeah i know.

the holidays are short, short but highly eventful. of course, there's this whole chain of food poisoning and stuff (of which get well soon okay!). and for that matter, friends are people who stand by you when you're literally down and out (i.e. sick), and thank you =D

it's surprising how time flies so fast, and yet time flies so slowly sometimes. for some, the rushing of time merely hastens the departure of memory. but yet, the sands of time do not cover up the imprints of the past.

that happened on sunday and monday, where i felt as if i was home again, a lost soul for 1 year. how everything suddenly seemed to flow back into my brain as i said my his and byes and waved to them all. it's heartwarming at times too, to see welcomes all over again.

anyway, something we played, but so nice:

tchaikovsky's serenade for strings 3rd movement. a really beautiful elegy.

Labels: Life

{ 9:40 PM }

Thursday, September 3, 2009.

this post is solely to show that my blog is NOT DEAD (okay i made a pact with myself to post at least once a week lah so.)

anyway, somehow or another, michael jackson feels like the rage now, especially when his birthday was a few days back. yeah 1980s all over again? haha cool.

and i caught the MJ fever too oh dear.

okay this song ah. it's a bit repetitive, it's a bit fake (i mean, yeah "we are the world" when "we" seems to only include citizens from the then-richest country in the world.), and it's a bit too popular and old.

but i like it, the idea that maybe we "are the ones who make a brighter day", so maybe do have the power to change lives after all. that maybe we should really get together and start giving, and show solidarity now.

just now, when the world really needs our support as one, dealing with a whole host of crises. we need more people like that, more action, more magic indeed.

which reminded me of today's gp essay we discussed - we, as members of developed countries, should really take care of our friends, comrades suffering out there. isn't it so true?

people are blinded though. all for weird reasons, for political/economic reasons or something else, don't want to save everyone else out there.

people, let's come together as one to save this world that is crumbling in our own hands, and show them we care.

Labels: Life

{ 10:33 PM }

Thursday, August 27, 2009.

ahh this post was requested. =D

anyway surprising how term 3 is coming to an end so fast, so soon. it felt like yesterday when I came out of the exam hall screaming and shouting and hyperventilating. and now as i think about it, promos loom.

ahh and then the future, of course, when you think about what you want to do, what you want to study and where you want to go.

suddenly you realise that what you want in the future is intrinsically tied with what you are doing now, and then the path to your dream becomes a bit less blur. suddenly you know what is supposed to be done, what lies ahead for you as you take that step out from your sheltered world.

and it seems, to pursue my dream, there's so much to do.

anyway, food seems to be the thing that cheers me up at times. indeed, good food, good life.

Labels: Life

{ 10:49 PM }

Thursday, August 20, 2009.

inexplicable bout of sadness hit me today; was staring out at open space during pseudo-break today and thinking of so many things.

sometimes you just want to hold it all together, and when you're left alone, it breaks, shatters. and to know that maybe it isn't really like that, it comforts. though i don't see it.

anyway - spem in alium, thomas tallis.

Labels: friends, Life, Music

{ 8:50 PM }

Wednesday, August 19, 2009.

come back, come back.

i'm sorry for everything, if i did something wrong.

but come back please.

am i left out, chucked out from everyone?

and when i see you and that enthusiasm i give isn't returned, i don't know why.

3 people on a ship. 2 people talk to one another, what happens to the last guy?

Labels: friends, Life

{ 10:56 PM }

Saturday, August 15, 2009.

was supposed to post this yesterday (i.e. i thought of writing about this yesterday) but some stupid stomach pain literally disabled me so yeah today then. better now though, just that yesterday night was horrid.

you know, as students you learn about stuff right? like say, in gp you discuss about ethics and morals got to do with science, and then you talk about how policies are screwed up and stuff right?

it's purely in an academic frame of mind. so when you think about it it's nothing much to you, it evokes no form of feeling whatsoever. in short it is nonfeeling - you completely detach yourself from your emotions when you think about academia.

but when it presents itself to you in a completely different form, you see how different everything becomes.

such as this. in econs you learn about firms and costs. and then you are told, that profit maximization occurs when total revenue - total costs is largest, and then you are taught cost-cutting measures (all in econ. jargon) that firms undertake.

and all these seem natural to you. you don't bother about the implications.

until it hits closer to home.

got quite a scare yesterday during dinner; i consider yesterday a very lucky day (not for myself), because if yesterday had taken the standard route (the expected outcome i mean), i'd be crying now. i mean, suddenly i'd be much worse off, and i wouldn't know how to survive (literally!) a few months down the road.

and academically, it just feels as if it's a natural thing - when you read of recessions you don't feel anything do you?

it must hit closer home for anyone to even feel it.

Labels: Life

{ 10:50 AM }

Sunday, August 9, 2009.

it's 44 years to the date that our mm cried.

indeed, as electrico suggests, what do you see?

i have absolutely no idea how i got myself so patriotic once again. some years, i turn stale and go OH IT'S THE SAME OLD THING AGAIN. but strangely, this year led to me spamming songs for a few days.

indeed, it's something fascinating how singaporeans are loyal to this country. some of them are die-hard loyal fans, some merely pay lip-service, while the minority would wish to get a green card or something else (of which these people can really go get their green cards. i don't really care.). of course, it's strange how the country's ne (some people claim it as brainwashing, i'm not so sure.) works.

this year's ndp song is very different. for years you got a mass sing-along song with the word Singapore in different permutations, peppered with tons of aptly-placed adjectives/nouns ('democratic', 'race', 'religion' etc, which all somehow appear in the pledge). then since 'home' it moved to a softer touch - nice melody, with much less hardcore 'brainwashing' and a 'softer' approach.

then this year, they invited rock bands to do the national day songs.

which actually show how much our society has matured! we don't need songs that spell out in capital letters "WE LOVE SINGAPORE", and we don't need any reminders of how our hearts lie somewhere no matter where we go (where is that somewhere o.0). if the organisers believe in such a song, it shows clearly that we are prepared, matured enough to accept such a form of patriotism (very subtle indeed - the few references i could pick out had to do with stars, crescents and millions)

but either way, it works.

what do i see? a matured singapore, with people patriotic enough to know that singapore is their home.

indeed! i am proud of being a singaporean. as i stood up for the pledge (which may sound like a way to get people to affirm their loyalty, but in actual fact should be viewed as a way for mass participation to occur), i was pretty sure i stood up, loyal and happy to say those few words.

it's hard to define patriotism, but it doesn't just entail NS and 2 years of 'slavery'.

it's more of a sense of knowing that this land, the land you stand on, is the land you feel for, you belong to. dying for it isn't really necessary.

anyway, what do you see?

Labels: Life, Singapore

{ 8:36 PM }

Tuesday, August 4, 2009.

i believe in miracles.

they do come true, even if you think they don't.

thanks so much for today, thank you all. especially all of you who offered your ear.

and you, when you walked down the stairs, i knew a miracle came true. thank you!

and anyway, hear this! liszt's un sospiro, 3rd of 3 concert etudes:

Labels: friends, Life, Music

{ 10:13 PM }

Saturday, August 1, 2009.

a banner near my house sparked off this post.

it was in chinese, and was about registration in the year 2010.

more specifically, registration for a slot in kindergarten.

that site near that kindergarten was the place of all my youthful (or rather, childish) wanderings. the slide with an ominous puddle, the rotting leaves strewn all over the stairs, the rusting monkey bars - it was a long, long time indeed.

and i didn't recognise that place anymore.

with the exception of a lift shaft, nothing changed, to be honest. the playground suffered from wear and tear, but also got its due refurbishments. the basketball court across the road looked just about the same, with maybe slightly more dents in the enclosure netting. the little shrubs lining the passageway up to my old kindergarten looked exactly the same too, as if the whole scene froze in time.

but i guess, it didn't freeze in time for me.

for me, now when i stare at that place, it does not register in my head as the past. it felt like déjà vu all over again, yet i cannot place it at all. the feeling that it felt like the present yet was the past, as if i saw it through 2 inertial frames of reference.

but all the same, i cannot identify with the kids there anymore.

i see them playing, and i know, deep down, that i was like that once. fighting for the slide, attempting the monkey bars (strangely i sucked at them quite badly), kicking the plastic ball high, out of the court - and then i know, stare at myself and realise, i'll never be like them again.

because i have truly grown up. out from that world, into another world.

truly, i have left that place, because i fail to identify with it again. i may stare, reminiscence at those times where i would crash and land head-first into the shrubs, stare at the all-too-foreign-and-familiar surroundings that i did not see for at least 5 years. but nothing can make me identify with there anymore.

and yes, i know, that part of my life is truly over.

Requiem æternam dona eis, Domine,
et lux perpetua luceat eis.

Labels: Life

{ 7:41 PM }

Monday, July 27, 2009.

a belated post, maybe just to wake this blog up, i dunno. did this on the mrt as the incident happened, and as such it isn't very nice to read lah. some post of substance should come soon.

A few days back, i was on the mrt. a civic-minded commuter (by the looks of it, he should be in a tertiary institute/poly? His ez-link card was orange.) decided to either be kind/anal/civic-minded and told 2 people who were drinking on the MRT to stop drinking and keep their drinks.

Of course, being Singaporeans (which must necessarily include a whole tablespoon of pride within it) the 2 poor/inconsiderate commuters caught in the deed of drinking on the MRT took offense at him. A young girl (about my age) shot him pointed looks, while another man just turned away and refused to look at him.

And he continues, without shame or worry, to stare and be SMRT’s new Big Brother.

Evidently this shows Singapore at its finest.

One can view this incident differently depending on the type of society one is in - which goes to say, how one views this shows the level of maturity the society is.

Both customers looked affronted (and honestly, so did I), and evidently this implied that Singaporeans simply thought that that man was being kaypo and poking his nose into others’ affairs.

How others would view it: That man was just being considerate. Given that SMRT changed its stance on food and drinks on trains, it was a kind and considerate act to save those 2 people $30 from fines. But evidently both of them did not take it very nicely, and felt it as an intrusion into their privacy, i.e. he was being extremely kaypo.

The standard rebut: MYOB.

Well, this IS Singapore. I’m a skeptic; I don’t deny that, and I’d proudly wear a cardboard claiming I’m one. And of course, I don’t believe Singaporeans change in this aspect. From the 60s, till the new millennium, and onwards, Singaporeans will continue to wear their pride on their sleeves till eternity.

Do you see people, worried for the cleanliness of the trains in Singapore? And everyday you see complaint letters in the ST Forum, deriding the state of trains in Singapore and claiming that train operators do not do a satisfactory job. This goes to illustrate that Singaporeans have a VERY VIVID imagination. They know the concept of ‘perfection’, but fail to understand HOW to get there. Indeed, idealists, not realists.

This is Singapore, a bunch of spoilt brats who dream of but never reach perfection.

And I’m proud to be one.

Labels: Life

{ 1:37 PM }

Tuesday, July 21, 2009.

i finally went against my own policy. i had to take the previous post back. but i do so for a reason - after all that has happened, that post cannot deserve to stay there any longer. it is just wrong i guess. thanks anyway for your concern, all of you =D

being sick half-sucks. i'm the type who prefers to go out and have fun and not stay at home, though slacking at home with a dysfunctional brain is quite fun at times. my brain's rotting from the outside and inside; i hope everyone recovers fast =D

Labels: Life

{ 7:14 PM }