Thursday, August 27, 2009.

ahh this post was requested. =D

anyway surprising how term 3 is coming to an end so fast, so soon. it felt like yesterday when I came out of the exam hall screaming and shouting and hyperventilating. and now as i think about it, promos loom.

ahh and then the future, of course, when you think about what you want to do, what you want to study and where you want to go.

suddenly you realise that what you want in the future is intrinsically tied with what you are doing now, and then the path to your dream becomes a bit less blur. suddenly you know what is supposed to be done, what lies ahead for you as you take that step out from your sheltered world.

and it seems, to pursue my dream, there's so much to do.

anyway, food seems to be the thing that cheers me up at times. indeed, good food, good life.

Labels: Life

{ 10:49 PM }

Saturday, August 22, 2009.

ironic, isn't it, this is my 300th post.

on the way back, after today, i felt my eyes water once again.

hurt and shattered, maybe?

it's something i never really understood. if someone wants to join who he considers as his close friends on a short part of their journey back home, i don't see why he should be stopped. yes, fine, they don't want him to waste time, they are concerned.

if they think, to him, it's a waste of time to join them and be in good company, that spending time with friends is a waste of time, fine.

i don't see why i should be stopped. i know they care, i very well know, but this feels like rejection. yeah fine we don't want you going into the train with us, go home, good riddance, bye bye. if you don't like me going with you on the trip for just ONE stop, tell me. i'll never do that again since you can't stand me so much.

sorry. sorry i had to write this.

it was on my mind the past few days; i feel myself so lonely, so alone within this group. even for myself i felt it today - i didn't purposely isolate myself, yet i felt more alone than ever.

and when i want to talk, to speak what's in my mind freely, i usually get a cold response - then, what is the point of talking then! yeah i may be very weird, i may like things everyone else doesn't, and in the end, you aren't interested in what i have to say. yeah so no one talks to me then, because even if i show myself as being interested in what others like, no one will want to stand up and say I WILL LISTEN TO YOU EVEN IF I DON'T LIKE IT. a few lines, cruel painful lines of dismissal, and yes i learnt to shut up.

apparently talking hurts more than shutting up here. if my presence annoys you, makes you want to get rid of me and disappear, tell me. i'd be glad to do so.

because even if i am not happy, i'd rather make you guys happy. i do things for a reason - i want to be there for everyone, i want to show that i am more than happy to give my side of the friendship.

but today just proved me wrong. by not wanting me to wait for you guys and talk to you all, do you not know the hurt you guys gave me? cause i enjoy your company, i want to be there listening to you all, talking, and above marks, grades and dunnowhatshit, i value friendship the most, so much so that everything else (even time) doesn't matter.

unless, unless, you guys don't feel anything whether i am present or absent. because there are people out there, nice wonderful people, who actually tell me they APPRECIATE me for waiting and being there, instead of not realizing that i feel HAPPY and don't mind spending time with my friends.

i feel so hurt. you all don't understand me enough, do you.

Labels: friends

{ 5:43 PM }

Thursday, August 20, 2009.

inexplicable bout of sadness hit me today; was staring out at open space during pseudo-break today and thinking of so many things.

sometimes you just want to hold it all together, and when you're left alone, it breaks, shatters. and to know that maybe it isn't really like that, it comforts. though i don't see it.

anyway - spem in alium, thomas tallis.

Labels: friends, Life, Music

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Wednesday, August 19, 2009.

come back, come back.

i'm sorry for everything, if i did something wrong.

but come back please.

am i left out, chucked out from everyone?

and when i see you and that enthusiasm i give isn't returned, i don't know why.

3 people on a ship. 2 people talk to one another, what happens to the last guy?

Labels: friends, Life

{ 10:56 PM }

Saturday, August 15, 2009.

was supposed to post this yesterday (i.e. i thought of writing about this yesterday) but some stupid stomach pain literally disabled me so yeah today then. better now though, just that yesterday night was horrid.

you know, as students you learn about stuff right? like say, in gp you discuss about ethics and morals got to do with science, and then you talk about how policies are screwed up and stuff right?

it's purely in an academic frame of mind. so when you think about it it's nothing much to you, it evokes no form of feeling whatsoever. in short it is nonfeeling - you completely detach yourself from your emotions when you think about academia.

but when it presents itself to you in a completely different form, you see how different everything becomes.

such as this. in econs you learn about firms and costs. and then you are told, that profit maximization occurs when total revenue - total costs is largest, and then you are taught cost-cutting measures (all in econ. jargon) that firms undertake.

and all these seem natural to you. you don't bother about the implications.

until it hits closer to home.

got quite a scare yesterday during dinner; i consider yesterday a very lucky day (not for myself), because if yesterday had taken the standard route (the expected outcome i mean), i'd be crying now. i mean, suddenly i'd be much worse off, and i wouldn't know how to survive (literally!) a few months down the road.

and academically, it just feels as if it's a natural thing - when you read of recessions you don't feel anything do you?

it must hit closer home for anyone to even feel it.

Labels: Life

{ 10:50 AM }

Sunday, August 9, 2009.

it's 44 years to the date that our mm cried.

indeed, as electrico suggests, what do you see?

i have absolutely no idea how i got myself so patriotic once again. some years, i turn stale and go OH IT'S THE SAME OLD THING AGAIN. but strangely, this year led to me spamming songs for a few days.

indeed, it's something fascinating how singaporeans are loyal to this country. some of them are die-hard loyal fans, some merely pay lip-service, while the minority would wish to get a green card or something else (of which these people can really go get their green cards. i don't really care.). of course, it's strange how the country's ne (some people claim it as brainwashing, i'm not so sure.) works.

this year's ndp song is very different. for years you got a mass sing-along song with the word Singapore in different permutations, peppered with tons of aptly-placed adjectives/nouns ('democratic', 'race', 'religion' etc, which all somehow appear in the pledge). then since 'home' it moved to a softer touch - nice melody, with much less hardcore 'brainwashing' and a 'softer' approach.

then this year, they invited rock bands to do the national day songs.

which actually show how much our society has matured! we don't need songs that spell out in capital letters "WE LOVE SINGAPORE", and we don't need any reminders of how our hearts lie somewhere no matter where we go (where is that somewhere o.0). if the organisers believe in such a song, it shows clearly that we are prepared, matured enough to accept such a form of patriotism (very subtle indeed - the few references i could pick out had to do with stars, crescents and millions)

but either way, it works.

what do i see? a matured singapore, with people patriotic enough to know that singapore is their home.

indeed! i am proud of being a singaporean. as i stood up for the pledge (which may sound like a way to get people to affirm their loyalty, but in actual fact should be viewed as a way for mass participation to occur), i was pretty sure i stood up, loyal and happy to say those few words.

it's hard to define patriotism, but it doesn't just entail NS and 2 years of 'slavery'.

it's more of a sense of knowing that this land, the land you stand on, is the land you feel for, you belong to. dying for it isn't really necessary.

anyway, what do you see?

Labels: Life, Singapore

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Tuesday, August 4, 2009.

i believe in miracles.

they do come true, even if you think they don't.

thanks so much for today, thank you all. especially all of you who offered your ear.

and you, when you walked down the stairs, i knew a miracle came true. thank you!



and anyway, hear this! liszt's un sospiro, 3rd of 3 concert etudes:

Labels: friends, Life, Music

{ 10:13 PM }

Saturday, August 1, 2009.

a banner near my house sparked off this post.

it was in chinese, and was about registration in the year 2010.

more specifically, registration for a slot in kindergarten.

that site near that kindergarten was the place of all my youthful (or rather, childish) wanderings. the slide with an ominous puddle, the rotting leaves strewn all over the stairs, the rusting monkey bars - it was a long, long time indeed.

and i didn't recognise that place anymore.

with the exception of a lift shaft, nothing changed, to be honest. the playground suffered from wear and tear, but also got its due refurbishments. the basketball court across the road looked just about the same, with maybe slightly more dents in the enclosure netting. the little shrubs lining the passageway up to my old kindergarten looked exactly the same too, as if the whole scene froze in time.

but i guess, it didn't freeze in time for me.

for me, now when i stare at that place, it does not register in my head as the past. it felt like déjà vu all over again, yet i cannot place it at all. the feeling that it felt like the present yet was the past, as if i saw it through 2 inertial frames of reference.

but all the same, i cannot identify with the kids there anymore.

i see them playing, and i know, deep down, that i was like that once. fighting for the slide, attempting the monkey bars (strangely i sucked at them quite badly), kicking the plastic ball high, out of the court - and then i know, stare at myself and realise, i'll never be like them again.

because i have truly grown up. out from that world, into another world.

truly, i have left that place, because i fail to identify with it again. i may stare, reminiscence at those times where i would crash and land head-first into the shrubs, stare at the all-too-foreign-and-familiar surroundings that i did not see for at least 5 years. but nothing can make me identify with there anymore.

and yes, i know, that part of my life is truly over.

Requiem æternam dona eis, Domine,
et lux perpetua luceat eis.

Labels: Life

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