Wednesday, April 29, 2009.

by all accounts i should be over the moon now.

this week (or rather, the past 2 days) was really kind to me from one point of view. really, i have absolutely no reason to feel sad. after all most other people would just go mad and drown themselves in happiness.

but i cannot bear to.

really, i dunno how many people we hurt as we jumped and screamed and hugged when they announced our results. after everything sank in and being told to sit down and relax, the truth suddenly struck us.

i cannot be happy after everything.

right after everything i rushed over, and i felt very bad. i didn't belong there. what was i doing there? it sounded so superficial, so hollow, so insincere.

and when i saw them all, i literally broke down. for the 1st time in years, i felt a tear.

on the bus ride home i was alone, all at the back, while most of the bus just cheered and celebrated. i cannot fault them; they have all the right in the world (just like me) to celebrate and be merry! after all there's everything to be proud of. i just felt so bad that i was quite a mood dampener.

it's this emotional attachment i have. i will never consider myself leaving RISE until i'm dead or suffer from memory lapses. they are in me; i am in them. i cannot bear to see them like that, shattered, devastated, heartbroken, because i know it hurts for them, and even if i never felt it myself, i can roughly feel how it pains them, because i feel for them.

i'm honestly not at all disappointed in them. they have made me feel so so proud of them. i've never had such fantastic fabulous juniors in my entire life before, and i'm really proud of you guys for what you all have done.

i have utmost confidence and faith in all of you guys. be stronger, bounce back from this setback, and i'm waiting to see you guys all in your next concert, all fired up and happy to make music.

love you all! <3

Labels: CCA

{ 10:04 PM }

Friday, April 24, 2009.

you know the concept of catharsis?

Labels: Life

{ 6:19 PM }

Tuesday, April 21, 2009.

i cannot believe what happened today, really.

it feels so surreal, so impossible, that this happened in the 1st place.

that little girl we were coaching really brightened up my day a lot, though she most probably won't ever know or comprehend the impact of that.

i mean, she was just normal. she acted (as i would presume) as herself, a normal 9-year-old kid, nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary.

but the fact that she did so was out of the ordinary for me at least.

these few days, weeks, months, years even have been the same old thing. problems surround us everyday, we get suffocated by them all on a regular basis.

and then we meet this small girl, whose carefree attitude and child-like (indeed, like a child like her!) innocence really shocked me. that innocence i ever had just a couple of years back! that free-spirited girl, through her actions and her words, really made me laugh and cheer up like never before.

and then on the ride home i thought about it.

that how we're really living in a world that NEEDS this innocence. the joy of not knowing. instead of all the problems, stress, problems here and there.

i guess that small girl now occupies a special place in my heart, for really brightening up my day.

Labels: Life

{ 10:59 PM }

it's 8 days left.

Labels: CCA

{ 1:40 PM }

Friday, April 17, 2009.

class camp over, and honestly I felt class camp was GREAT and FANTABULOUS. really, stuff like chek jawa and "cross the line" were quite unforgettable and random retarded stuff like groundsheet-running and "pepsi-cola" really made our day.

but something struck me the most after this whole class camp.

i realised i really wanted to remain as a small boy forever.

yes it may sound retarded but i really felt so.

as the instructor said, the world today lacks that human touch. everything, thanks to technology, has become so impersonal. people care only for grades, not about friends. people only care about pleasing their boss and rising ranks, not about making friends with everyone.

when i was a small boy i was stress-free. I didn't have to worry at all about grades. I remember only making friends with people, not worrying about their character because everyone was pure at heart.

I can't say so now. In the adult world, people backstab. people scheme behind others' back. the world is full of distrust. friendships are so superficial! how many of them are real? how many of them are true and genuine?

i really don't dare to step out of my childhood. i don't want to be exposed to people whom i cannot trust. i don't want some 1984-airstrip-one thing where no one trusts each other!

i want a world where everyone is innocent, pure and nice, where people actually trust each other. i want these friendships.

i don't want to grow up.

another thing that really struck our minds as we talked about it yesterday in the middle of the night was life after jc. jc feels so short. it's only what, 18 months left?

and after that we separate.

girls go to uni. guys to NS, scholars to uni.

and that's it. most of the people we know disappear from our lives forever. we won't ever be back together, properly. nothing can unite us back.

and i don't want that to happen! throughout the years (even this year), i've made a lot of friends. some really really really good ones in fact. and why why would it be good if we just let the friendship die off? i cannot bear for that to happen!

and that's why i really want to be a small boy forever.

Labels: friends, Life

{ 7:24 PM }

Monday, April 13, 2009.

today is the bestestestestestestest day in my life =D

me iish SOOO GLAD PW groupings were FANTABULOUS!

really nothing managed to spoil my mood lah today.

=D =D =D

Labels: Life

{ 10:00 PM }

Friday, April 10, 2009.

as most of my readers already know by now,

a substantial portion of my posts are quite cryptic.

i don't really take pride in the fact that my posts are cryptic - if no one can understand them why even then blog about them? then it's just 1) a waste of my own time and blog space, and 2) cementing the fact that i am strange and weird and can't blog for nuts.

there's perhaps a reason why i insist, and will continue, to do so.

i don't like the idea of a private blog. why then does one even chronicle one's own thoughts down, only letting a select few people see then? might as well tell them over msn and whatnot right?

so i won't switch over to a private blog, because i believe everyone should be entailed to the right to view my blog. whether or not they get ALL the messages will be another thing.

thus cryptic posts serve as a sieve - to provide those that know me better with what they can understand. of course even the posts themselves can't truly hide what i think and feel in terms of the generic feeling and sense, but it's usually done in such a way that only people that i want to reach out to and tell them about will get the post.

of course, in the end i design my post too cryptic, to the extent that no one gets the message at all. SOMETIMES, even I don't get it.

but that's that about cryptic posts. they are likely to increase in number as the year goes on. but if you think you know what's it all about, ask me in private. i'll most likely respond lah.

Labels: Life

{ 11:48 AM }

Tuesday, April 7, 2009.

it's sometimes painful to choose, knowing full well that that choice might truly decide one's future.

but truly, the choice can seem painfully obvious sometimes. and sometimes, even if the answer stares at you in your face, you choose to be blinded, blinded by compassion, blinded by ties, blinded by your heart.

sometimes, though, it might just be correct to be rational for once. you make choices not by friendship, not by mercy, not by the heart, but by the rational, logical mind.

{ 11:31 PM }

Sunday, April 5, 2009.

it's unusual that i post twice in a day, let alone twice in 2 hours.

but i really need to get this out.

you know, i really suddenly believe a lot in personality profiles.

a long time ago I took DISC, and i was an IDC. A strong I in fact.

and it said there, on the book, that an I fears rejection the most.

I didn't really think it through much. I just merely agreed, thinking that it might be right.

and i realised, just now, that that might TRULY be my biggest fear.

there is probably a reason why I was feeling scared a few weeks ago, even if I did not openly display it. being rejected, not only from social circles but from every part of life, is INDEED my greatest fear.

although i don't show it, i realised that it haunts me too much. my heartbeat rushes high when i sense a possible rejection. i cannot sleep well. i cannot walk properly. sometimes, i cannot even see or hear properly.

i guess i need to tackle it before this fear overcomes me.

Labels: Life

{ 5:31 PM }

ahhh back from a whole load of stuff. quite fun i must say.

syf's feeling really scary now. it's what, close to 3 weeks away? i'm not exactly a stellar player amongst the 1sts, so i really need to buck up. but then again it's the same problem i always had ever since sec 2 onwards - my tone quality sucks. guess i need a lot of slow practice.

it's better to panic now than panic later on, just before syf. so i guess we all need to focus more during sectionals and rehearsals.

we can do it, it's just whether we want it badly or not.

ahh anyway FOSL was next, and it was rather interesting to listen to others as well. now that i'm done with FOSL i might want to initiate a good CIP - i really feel like taking ownership of a project i want to do badly.

ANYWAY DIGRESSION - circle line open house! ok lah i'm mad to want to see a freaking MRT station, but well it was FUN. as in really fun cause we got to see the interior of Bishan MRT (as in the Circle Line part). jie liang actually found it decently cool (and I was hyperventilating lol.)

then went for maffsoc camp, which had more non-maff games than maff ones. not that i mind, seeing as i am sucky in ivan-style maff. mad stuff such as arm-wrestling, identifying pictures of people (WHY DO I SUCK AT BOTH. gosh.), and especially the crazy midnight exploration of the school.

fun, but tiring. now i should really start PW now. urgh PW's a chore.

Labels: friends, Life

{ 4:21 PM }