Sunday, November 15, 2009.

gosh i hate my tummy.

Labels: Life

{ 6:40 PM }

Monday, November 2, 2009.

sorry, i was supposed to post long ago, but expect no activity for some time.

in light of everything that has happened, it's time to reflect.

and where else to start, than the man in the mirror?

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard,
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere
To Go
That's Why I Want You To
Know

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change)
(Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah)

I've Been A Victim Of A Selfish
Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With No
Home, Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me,
Pretending That They're Not
Alone?

A Willow Deeply Scarred,
Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
(Washed-Out Dream)
They Follow The Pattern Of
The Wind, Ya' See
Cause They Got No Place
To Be
That's Why I'm Starting With
Me
(Starting With Me!)

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Ooh!)
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change His
Ways
(Change His Ways-Ooh!)
And No Message Could've
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .)
Change!

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror,
(Man In The Mirror-Oh
Yeah!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make The Change)
(You Gotta Get It Right, While
You Got The Time)
('Cause When You Close Your
Heart)
You Can't Close Your . . .Your
Mind!
(Then You Close Your . . .
Mind!)
That Man, That Man, That
Man, That Man
With That Man In The Mirror
(Man In The Mirror, Oh Yeah!)
That Man, That Man, That Man
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
You Know . . .That Man
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Oh Yeah!)
Gonna Feel Real Good Now!
Yeah Yeah! Yeah Yeah!
Yeah Yeah!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Ooooh . . .)
Oh No, No No . . .
I'm Gonna Make A Change
It's Gonna Feel Real Good!
Come On!
(Change . . .)
Just Lift Yourself
You Know
You've Got To Stop It.
Yourself!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
I've Got To Make That Change,
Today!
Hoo!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Got To
You Got To Not Let Yourself . . .
Brother . . .
Hoo!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
You Know-I've Got To Get
That Man, That Man . . .
(Man In The Mirror)
You've Got To
You've Got To Move! Come
On! Come On!
You Got To . . .
Stand Up! Stand Up!
Stand Up!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Stand Up And Lift
Yourself, Now!
(Man In The Mirror)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Aaow!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Gonna Make That Change . . .
Come On!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know . . .
(Change . . .)
Make That Change.

Labels: Life

{ 8:05 PM }

Sunday, October 11, 2009.

humans are such astute creatures.

got woken up today not by the traditional method, but the occasional voices i heard. guess it had to do with some stuff once again, but as much as it has gradually been the norm, i find myself uncomfortable once more.

but it's so true, once humans feel pain, they naturally get angry right? an avenue to translate pain into energy, negative energy that is, and that's so painful for others. i may have a test tomorrow, something i've dreamt of since time immemorial, but this can't leave my mind.

a man driven to desperation; what does he do? and then you feel that sense of pity, sadness at what fate does to humans sometimes - where's the love?

it's been 4 years, 4 long years since that debilitating disease struck. maybe it changed, but looking at him search even more crazily for a cure as compared to me searching for glenn gould's 1981 + 1955 goldberg variations recording, it's heartbreaking.

and yet again, moodswings never fail to make us pissed off, yet heartbroken - another supposed cure didn't conjure up the 'miracle' it was supposed to. hope rose, and accelerated down as soon as it rose.

and now, i want to wish that he'll be well. rid of his myriad of pain and illnesses, happy and cheerful as he usually is when some treatment works. before that treatment breaks his heart, just like all others have done.

come on, may your efforts be rewarded.

Labels: Life

{ 3:05 PM }

Monday, October 5, 2009.

today might just be the worst day of my life, i don't know.

{ 10:21 PM }

Thursday, October 1, 2009.

promos is just proms with an O. like, Ohhhhh oh my gosh i thought it was as cool as proms! *panics*

yeah gp was badddd.

"You can't hide again, Potter," Voldemort snarled. "Lord Voldemort knows, he always knows."

"Oh yeah? What makes you think so?" Harry retorted.

"SILENCE!" Voldemort screamed.

Voldemort and Harry circled each other, eyes only on each others' wands.

"You have lived too long, Potter."

"Avada-"

"CETERIS PARIBUS!" Harry roared.




Everything else remained constant. Just that, Harry's body lay sprawled on the ground.

Labels: Life

{ 7:46 PM }

Thursday, September 24, 2009.

okay wow so now my blog needs a change. will find a nicer skin after promos.

anyway, food for thought; what's our national language?

Labels: Life

{ 10:42 PM }

Thursday, September 17, 2009.

crawling up again, standing up once more.

knowing that you've done it before, can you ever be satisfied with mediocrity?

which is why it hurts. that maybe they were flukes but then again.

Labels: Life

{ 9:00 PM }

Thursday, September 10, 2009.

this effort sounds scant. like, i make an effort to blog once a week, but yeah i know.

the holidays are short, short but highly eventful. of course, there's this whole chain of food poisoning and stuff (of which get well soon okay!). and for that matter, friends are people who stand by you when you're literally down and out (i.e. sick), and thank you =D

it's surprising how time flies so fast, and yet time flies so slowly sometimes. for some, the rushing of time merely hastens the departure of memory. but yet, the sands of time do not cover up the imprints of the past.

that happened on sunday and monday, where i felt as if i was home again, a lost soul for 1 year. how everything suddenly seemed to flow back into my brain as i said my his and byes and waved to them all. it's heartwarming at times too, to see welcomes all over again.

anyway, something we played, but so nice:

tchaikovsky's serenade for strings 3rd movement. a really beautiful elegy.

Labels: Life

{ 9:40 PM }

Thursday, September 3, 2009.

this post is solely to show that my blog is NOT DEAD (okay i made a pact with myself to post at least once a week lah so.)

anyway, somehow or another, michael jackson feels like the rage now, especially when his birthday was a few days back. yeah 1980s all over again? haha cool.

and i caught the MJ fever too oh dear.

okay this song ah. it's a bit repetitive, it's a bit fake (i mean, yeah "we are the world" when "we" seems to only include citizens from the then-richest country in the world.), and it's a bit too popular and old.

but i like it, the idea that maybe we "are the ones who make a brighter day", so maybe do have the power to change lives after all. that maybe we should really get together and start giving, and show solidarity now.

just now, when the world really needs our support as one, dealing with a whole host of crises. we need more people like that, more action, more magic indeed.

which reminded me of today's gp essay we discussed - we, as members of developed countries, should really take care of our friends, comrades suffering out there. isn't it so true?

people are blinded though. all for weird reasons, for political/economic reasons or something else, don't want to save everyone else out there.

people, let's come together as one to save this world that is crumbling in our own hands, and show them we care.

Labels: Life

{ 10:33 PM }

Thursday, August 27, 2009.

ahh this post was requested. =D

anyway surprising how term 3 is coming to an end so fast, so soon. it felt like yesterday when I came out of the exam hall screaming and shouting and hyperventilating. and now as i think about it, promos loom.

ahh and then the future, of course, when you think about what you want to do, what you want to study and where you want to go.

suddenly you realise that what you want in the future is intrinsically tied with what you are doing now, and then the path to your dream becomes a bit less blur. suddenly you know what is supposed to be done, what lies ahead for you as you take that step out from your sheltered world.

and it seems, to pursue my dream, there's so much to do.

anyway, food seems to be the thing that cheers me up at times. indeed, good food, good life.

Labels: Life

{ 10:49 PM }

Saturday, August 22, 2009.

ironic, isn't it, this is my 300th post.

on the way back, after today, i felt my eyes water once again.

hurt and shattered, maybe?

it's something i never really understood. if someone wants to join who he considers as his close friends on a short part of their journey back home, i don't see why he should be stopped. yes, fine, they don't want him to waste time, they are concerned.

if they think, to him, it's a waste of time to join them and be in good company, that spending time with friends is a waste of time, fine.

i don't see why i should be stopped. i know they care, i very well know, but this feels like rejection. yeah fine we don't want you going into the train with us, go home, good riddance, bye bye. if you don't like me going with you on the trip for just ONE stop, tell me. i'll never do that again since you can't stand me so much.

sorry. sorry i had to write this.

it was on my mind the past few days; i feel myself so lonely, so alone within this group. even for myself i felt it today - i didn't purposely isolate myself, yet i felt more alone than ever.

and when i want to talk, to speak what's in my mind freely, i usually get a cold response - then, what is the point of talking then! yeah i may be very weird, i may like things everyone else doesn't, and in the end, you aren't interested in what i have to say. yeah so no one talks to me then, because even if i show myself as being interested in what others like, no one will want to stand up and say I WILL LISTEN TO YOU EVEN IF I DON'T LIKE IT. a few lines, cruel painful lines of dismissal, and yes i learnt to shut up.

apparently talking hurts more than shutting up here. if my presence annoys you, makes you want to get rid of me and disappear, tell me. i'd be glad to do so.

because even if i am not happy, i'd rather make you guys happy. i do things for a reason - i want to be there for everyone, i want to show that i am more than happy to give my side of the friendship.

but today just proved me wrong. by not wanting me to wait for you guys and talk to you all, do you not know the hurt you guys gave me? cause i enjoy your company, i want to be there listening to you all, talking, and above marks, grades and dunnowhatshit, i value friendship the most, so much so that everything else (even time) doesn't matter.

unless, unless, you guys don't feel anything whether i am present or absent. because there are people out there, nice wonderful people, who actually tell me they APPRECIATE me for waiting and being there, instead of not realizing that i feel HAPPY and don't mind spending time with my friends.

i feel so hurt. you all don't understand me enough, do you.

Labels: friends

{ 5:43 PM }

Thursday, August 20, 2009.

inexplicable bout of sadness hit me today; was staring out at open space during pseudo-break today and thinking of so many things.

sometimes you just want to hold it all together, and when you're left alone, it breaks, shatters. and to know that maybe it isn't really like that, it comforts. though i don't see it.

anyway - spem in alium, thomas tallis.

Labels: friends, Life, Music

{ 8:50 PM }

Wednesday, August 19, 2009.

come back, come back.

i'm sorry for everything, if i did something wrong.

but come back please.

am i left out, chucked out from everyone?

and when i see you and that enthusiasm i give isn't returned, i don't know why.

3 people on a ship. 2 people talk to one another, what happens to the last guy?

Labels: friends, Life

{ 10:56 PM }

Saturday, August 15, 2009.

was supposed to post this yesterday (i.e. i thought of writing about this yesterday) but some stupid stomach pain literally disabled me so yeah today then. better now though, just that yesterday night was horrid.

you know, as students you learn about stuff right? like say, in gp you discuss about ethics and morals got to do with science, and then you talk about how policies are screwed up and stuff right?

it's purely in an academic frame of mind. so when you think about it it's nothing much to you, it evokes no form of feeling whatsoever. in short it is nonfeeling - you completely detach yourself from your emotions when you think about academia.

but when it presents itself to you in a completely different form, you see how different everything becomes.

such as this. in econs you learn about firms and costs. and then you are told, that profit maximization occurs when total revenue - total costs is largest, and then you are taught cost-cutting measures (all in econ. jargon) that firms undertake.

and all these seem natural to you. you don't bother about the implications.

until it hits closer to home.

got quite a scare yesterday during dinner; i consider yesterday a very lucky day (not for myself), because if yesterday had taken the standard route (the expected outcome i mean), i'd be crying now. i mean, suddenly i'd be much worse off, and i wouldn't know how to survive (literally!) a few months down the road.

and academically, it just feels as if it's a natural thing - when you read of recessions you don't feel anything do you?

it must hit closer home for anyone to even feel it.

Labels: Life

{ 10:50 AM }

Sunday, August 9, 2009.

it's 44 years to the date that our mm cried.

indeed, as electrico suggests, what do you see?

i have absolutely no idea how i got myself so patriotic once again. some years, i turn stale and go OH IT'S THE SAME OLD THING AGAIN. but strangely, this year led to me spamming songs for a few days.

indeed, it's something fascinating how singaporeans are loyal to this country. some of them are die-hard loyal fans, some merely pay lip-service, while the minority would wish to get a green card or something else (of which these people can really go get their green cards. i don't really care.). of course, it's strange how the country's ne (some people claim it as brainwashing, i'm not so sure.) works.

this year's ndp song is very different. for years you got a mass sing-along song with the word Singapore in different permutations, peppered with tons of aptly-placed adjectives/nouns ('democratic', 'race', 'religion' etc, which all somehow appear in the pledge). then since 'home' it moved to a softer touch - nice melody, with much less hardcore 'brainwashing' and a 'softer' approach.

then this year, they invited rock bands to do the national day songs.

which actually show how much our society has matured! we don't need songs that spell out in capital letters "WE LOVE SINGAPORE", and we don't need any reminders of how our hearts lie somewhere no matter where we go (where is that somewhere o.0). if the organisers believe in such a song, it shows clearly that we are prepared, matured enough to accept such a form of patriotism (very subtle indeed - the few references i could pick out had to do with stars, crescents and millions)

but either way, it works.

what do i see? a matured singapore, with people patriotic enough to know that singapore is their home.

indeed! i am proud of being a singaporean. as i stood up for the pledge (which may sound like a way to get people to affirm their loyalty, but in actual fact should be viewed as a way for mass participation to occur), i was pretty sure i stood up, loyal and happy to say those few words.

it's hard to define patriotism, but it doesn't just entail NS and 2 years of 'slavery'.

it's more of a sense of knowing that this land, the land you stand on, is the land you feel for, you belong to. dying for it isn't really necessary.

anyway, what do you see?

Labels: Life, Singapore

{ 8:36 PM }