Saturday, August 22, 2009.

ironic, isn't it, this is my 300th post.

on the way back, after today, i felt my eyes water once again.

hurt and shattered, maybe?

it's something i never really understood. if someone wants to join who he considers as his close friends on a short part of their journey back home, i don't see why he should be stopped. yes, fine, they don't want him to waste time, they are concerned.

if they think, to him, it's a waste of time to join them and be in good company, that spending time with friends is a waste of time, fine.

i don't see why i should be stopped. i know they care, i very well know, but this feels like rejection. yeah fine we don't want you going into the train with us, go home, good riddance, bye bye. if you don't like me going with you on the trip for just ONE stop, tell me. i'll never do that again since you can't stand me so much.

sorry. sorry i had to write this.

it was on my mind the past few days; i feel myself so lonely, so alone within this group. even for myself i felt it today - i didn't purposely isolate myself, yet i felt more alone than ever.

and when i want to talk, to speak what's in my mind freely, i usually get a cold response - then, what is the point of talking then! yeah i may be very weird, i may like things everyone else doesn't, and in the end, you aren't interested in what i have to say. yeah so no one talks to me then, because even if i show myself as being interested in what others like, no one will want to stand up and say I WILL LISTEN TO YOU EVEN IF I DON'T LIKE IT. a few lines, cruel painful lines of dismissal, and yes i learnt to shut up.

apparently talking hurts more than shutting up here. if my presence annoys you, makes you want to get rid of me and disappear, tell me. i'd be glad to do so.

because even if i am not happy, i'd rather make you guys happy. i do things for a reason - i want to be there for everyone, i want to show that i am more than happy to give my side of the friendship.

but today just proved me wrong. by not wanting me to wait for you guys and talk to you all, do you not know the hurt you guys gave me? cause i enjoy your company, i want to be there listening to you all, talking, and above marks, grades and dunnowhatshit, i value friendship the most, so much so that everything else (even time) doesn't matter.

unless, unless, you guys don't feel anything whether i am present or absent. because there are people out there, nice wonderful people, who actually tell me they APPRECIATE me for waiting and being there, instead of not realizing that i feel HAPPY and don't mind spending time with my friends.

i feel so hurt. you all don't understand me enough, do you.

Labels: friends